Parent-Teen Agreements, Starting Your New Driver Off on the Right Foot
Last week I went to Kansas on a 5-day business trip and returned home to find that my son had turned 17 and obtained his driver’s license. Now, I knew these milestones were going to occur (at least the first was guaranteed), but it seems like only yesterday that he finished driver training, secured his permit and started supervised practice driving. (My parents weren’t kidding when they said the older you get, the faster time goes!)
Now that my one and only child has his probationary driver license (that’s the second phase of New Jersey’s Graduated Driver License or GDL program), he’s permitted to drive without supervision but must be off the road between 11 p.m. and 5 a.m., may transport only one passenger (unless my husband or I are in the car), and can’t use any electronic devices (hand-held or hands-free). Additionally, if there is another passenger in the vehicle, he’s responsible for ensuring that both he and this individual are buckled up. Those are the minimum requirements under our GDL law.
Our family has agreed, however, that more stringent rules are in order. No it’s not that my husband and I don’t trust our son. In fact, he has never given us a reason not to trust him. But he’s a brand new driver and like other teens who are newly licensed, his crash risk right now is the highest it will ever be in this lifetime. According to AAA, the Insurance Institute for Highway Safety, the National Safety Council, the Centers for Disease Control, and many other safety and research-based organizations, the first 30 days of independent driving are the deadliest for teens and remain high through the first six to 12 months of licensure.
So what’s a mother, who also happens to have worked in traffic safety for the past 25 years and leads the New Jersey Teen Safe Driving Coalition, to do? Let him drive, after all that’s how new drivers build experience and skill. But my husband and I will remain fully engaged in this process and take advantage of every opportunity to continue to coach and drive with him. Just like his ice hockey coach, we’ll be there to assist him in perfecting his game so that he becomes a good driver for life.
We’ve also entered into a driving agreement with our son that clearly spells out the rules and responsibilities associated with his new found privilege. It’s not a complicated, multi-page document, but a clear and succinct statement of what he’s expected to abide by over the next 12 months. We didn’t dictate the terms, rather we came to a consensus around the kitchen table and our son then typed up the one-page document. All three of us signed the agreement, which is now posted on the fridge. (There are a myriad of sample parent-teen agreements online. We referred to one developed by the Allstate Foundation for guidance.)
What’s in the document? He may not carry any passengers for at least the first 30 days (we don’t want him to be responsible for anyone but himself), he must return home after work or a sporting event (which will be before the 11 p.m. curfew), and he may not use any electronics in the car (even his iPod). He’s also required to notify us once he arrives at his destination (and to alert us if that destination changes), to immediately contact the police (then one of us) if he’s involved in a crash, to pull over to a place of safety and ask for directions if he gets lost or to call AAA if he needs roadside assistance. (I encourage every parent with a roadside assistance plan to add their teen).
The agreement also addresses what happens if he gets a ticket (he’ll respect that the ticket is his responsibility and that his driving privileges will be rescinded for a minimum of one week), that he needs to ask permission to use a car and fill the tank as needed, that he must monitor his speed (the driving examiner, just like mom, picked up on his lead-foot tendency), and that he should never drive tired or drowsy. And the agreement also spells out the importance of contacting one of us if he ever feels uncomfortable about driving (or riding as a passenger in someone else’s car) and needs us to pick him up -- no questions asked.
Some parents might think we’re being over-protective, but as I’ve said repeatedly to my peers at teen driving education programs I facilitate at my son’s high school and other settings across the state, “I’ve only got one child, and he’s not disposable.” Think about this way, as parents we’ve done everything in our power (and that money can buy) to nurture, clothe, inoculate, educate, feed, and protect our kids for the first 16 years of their life. So why once our teens turn 17 and obtain a driver license would we just throw them the keys and wish them luck?
Knowing that car crashes are the number one killer of teens in our state and nation (not because they’re bad drivers, they’re simply inexperienced), my husband and I going to do everything possible to ensure our son isn’t another statistic. To put it bluntly, we want a return on our investment and to ensure that he achieves a lifetime of milestones.
clyde donovan
1:10 pm on Monday, August 20, 2012
This is a perfect example of how government and parents bully New Jersey's young drivers. It might be even more effective if you tattoo the driving agreement on your child's back, chain them to the steering wheel and make them wear the red young-driver sticker on their forehead.
It's no wonder kids have so much trouble growing up and making decisions on their own. They're 16, 17 and 18 years old and their helicopter parents are still treating them like preschoolers.
John M.
10:46 am on Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Tabor is spot on. This stupid agreement provides no added value and it reinforces the messages that "we don't trust you". Nearly every article in the agreement is covered under the laws of the State of New Jersey. Nice job piling on. Do you also regulate the number of pieces of toilet tissues that can be used in one sitting? After all, it is not eco-friendly.
FourScore
3:10 pm on Monday, August 20, 2012
I agree.... kids today go away to college and then text their parents a dozen times a day about every little decision they have to make. When we were teens, we were given the independence to make our own decisions, and we while may have made some mistakes, but we learned to do things on our own a lot better than today’s teens.
Claire
4:57 pm on Monday, August 20, 2012
I think Pam has a sensible plan. You lay out the rules for your kid and tell them if they don't follow them they lose their privileges. Pretty much what our parents always did with us.
John D
7:37 am on Tuesday, August 21, 2012
I know Pam personally and this is a fine article and sets a great example of establishing an agreement between parents and their children. Too many parents today are not involved enough in their children's lives and expect the school system and outside influence (TV, Internet, etc) to educate and raise their children for them. Too many parents also give in to their children all too often and today's younger generation is a bunch of ( give me, give me, where's mine? I want that) inconsiderate punks. If more parents were like Pam, there would be less problems with teens and drugs/underage drinking/teen pregnancy/etc. Teaching your children to respect and honor an agreement and to abide by rules is a lesson all teens need to learn. Otherwise, they end up arrested, with criminal records, low confidence, stuck with the wrong crowds of people, and ultimately fail in life and never contribute to society. That's a major part of the problem today. Kudos to Pam.
Joe videodummy
1:49 pm on Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Become a part of your new driver's experience. Take the time to walk around his/her vehicle, checking things like tire pressure and wear, the oil and fluids, and make sure all lights are working properly. Ask questions like " How do the brakes feel ". It all seems frivilous now, but letting them know you are confident in their decisions and eager to help them any way you can is going to pay dividends later.
I just went through the same experience this spring /summer. When we left the state for the first time with them driving I pulled into a gas station and said " you fill it up " I paid of course, but it gave them the experience of pumping their own gas.
She left for college a few days ago, and called me a few hours after leaving to say "thanks". "For what " I asked. "For teaching me how to pump my own gas" she replied.
She's still a probationary driver, so we took the time to check with the states she needed to travel to get to school. We went on line or called the different DMV's etc. She is free to travel, and I'm confident she'll adhere to all the laws and curfews, speed limits etc. My only fear was the red sticker issue, but I heard it fell off somewhere right after she left NJ. So I'm going to send her another pair just as soon as I remember where I put them, or did I mail them already...I can't remember.
LVrandomname
4:12 pm on Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Just get him/her a slow car - that is all you can do, everything else they will do regardless of how many boring videos or stupid lectures they see.
Claire
5:29 pm on Thursday, August 23, 2012
Ha lvrandone: Great comment - we are on child 3 getting the license so yes, good advice.
Pam Fischer
1:37 pm on Saturday, August 25, 2012
Thanks for all of the comments -- clearly I've touched a nerve for some of you. My son had no issue with a driving agreement and he's clear on the rules. My parents did the same thing when my brother, sister and I first started driving in the 70s! Being an involved, caring parent isn't about controlling your kids' lives, it about giving them ground rules so that they know what is and isn't acceptable. And when it comes to driving, as I've said over and over again, driving is the most dangerous thing our kids will do in their teen years. So while is driving independently, I'm going to do whatever I can to help him get through these high risk first couple of years. And even once he's out on his own, I'll still worry -- hey tell me a parent who doesn't. I'm betting many of you have parents who still call to check on you and tell you to be careful!
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